Warning: Extra Long!

6 Jan

”Yes they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone.”

      So, I started writing this last night. I did it the old fashioned way with a pen and paper. It was just a stream of conscienceness exercise, during which I scribbled “It’s really frustrating not to be able to write as fast as I think.” In copying it over, I imagine I will add and change some things, but the general gyst of the work will be the same. It’s also really long. The longest entry I’ve ever had on here. It will probably take a long time to load. But, it will also take a long time to read, and it took a long time to write, so, it seems fair:

      There’s a lot of loneliness in the world. Easton rented a movie last night that neither of us had ever heard of. He said it was described as a “tale of adolescence told in the style of American Beauty.” Of course, in a total victory for the advertisers, our curiosity was peaked enuff to sit down and watch “Blue Car.” The largest similarity I noticed between it and American Beauty is that they both contain a story about an older man lusting after a much younger (read: underage) girl. In this case, the girl (Agnes Bruckner) looks like Leah (from Camp Evergreen) which made it all the more disturbing. The plot basically is that Meg (Bruckner) is abandoned by her father, ignored by her mother, and left to care for herself and her very emotionally disturbed younger sister. Enter her poetry teacher, who encourages her to enter a contest, and to, um…well, it becomes more than a standard teacher/student relationship. Her character was very lonely.

There’s loneliness inside her. And she’d do anything to fill it in, and though it’s red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart, when all the colors mix together – to grey.

      Movies and stories about depressed girls, troubled families, difficult lives, homelessness, etc. used to fascinate me. (Well, homelessness still fascinates me). Perhaps it’s because my life is so unlike all of these other ones, so (I guess) blessed and happy and positive, that these stories seemed to be almost fantasies to me. Meg lives in a different world than I do. Like the girls from Thirteen. At least, I think that’s what part of the fascination came from. I know that discovering how very real that world is had a large role in making such stories less fascinating. I even tried writing some movies in the same genre, tho I’m terrified now to look back at those horrid scripts. There’s a lot of loneliness in the world. A lot of it is un-necessary. But that fact doesn’t seem to matter in lessening the amount of loneliness.
      Some people on livejournal have hundreds of “friends” and some get hundreds of comments on everything they write. Do they keep up with every single journal? How long must that take? How strange for that to be the primary form of communication. And yet, here I sit, left with livejournal as a primary way of communicating with many of my friends. And when not found here, I can often be found on AIM, along with billions of other faceless screennames who spend more and more of their lives staring at a screen.
      Before going any further, I will say that I don’t feel lonely. I don’t think. I’m in CA with my family, whom I love. I know Alan and Julia (two of Rhea’s friends from high school, I think…) and other than that I don’t know anyone else in the area. I have no job and no homework. I sit at home and stare at TV and Computer screens and listen to music essentially all day. It’d be nice to have some local friends. But I don’t feel lonely. I love my friends. I probably don’t say that enuff, but I do. None of them are near me right now. Heck, most of them aren’t near each other either.
      Which leads to a projection of my most common fantasy, that ideal that I live for: A new world with a smaller, more friendly population. All of my friends, all those good people, all living together. Not in the same building, but in the same community. The same life. And before you call me on spouting off about a utopia – yes. That’s exactly what it is. It’s the way it will be. Or so I believe. You all will be happy. Dammit.

when the winds have blown things ‘round and back again, what was once your pain will be your home. Remember everything I’ve told you. Everything in its own time.”

      A few days ago Rhea said that she tends to see in people who they will become, their potential – before she sees who they are currently. It helps her be a therapist/counselor thingie, apparantly. After she said that, I realized that that’s what I do too, to some extent. That’s why I loved Becca like I did last year. That’s why I still love who I believe she will be in the new peaceful world.
      And that’s another thing. Zoe said this yesterday, that “when the only way something is defined is by saying what it isn’t, we don’t know very much about it.”
      Peace is not the absence of violence.
      The absence of violence is just that: the absence of violence. A non-war zone.
      Peace, is something more. We don’t seem to know very much about it.
      But I want it. We all seem to want it, and to have a sense of what it is. I can’t tell you what it is, I can’t really even describe it beyond saying that it’s an ideal to strive for. It’s a state of being so engulfing that it simply becomes. It is. It’s a word. Like Love. Or Karma.
      Without evil, we can’t tell what is good, right? We need that contrast? But without evil, all will be good, and who cares if we can tell or not? If good is just the way things are, then we don’t need “good” as a qualifier. “Good” is just a word. If someday what that word represents is just the way things are, that’s peace. Not quite, but it’s the best I can describe it now. And I’m sure I don’t really know what it is either. I’ll know it when it’s here tho. That i’m sure of.
      As you know, if you’re an avid reader of my journal, I’m reading Joseph Campbell right now. He looked at myths and fairy tales from all times and places in the world and discovered what is fairly common knowledge now: they all told the same story. He discovered the “monomyth.” He says all stories are telling the same story: a hero is seperated from his/her natural world. They enter/are reborn into a new, challenging and different world where they are initiated/tested, etc. If (when) they succeed they are given a gift, a boon, (often in the form of new knowledge, or a new power) which they then take back to their natural world, and using said boon, fix said natural world. The story of a savior.

We are stardust. We are golden. And we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden.

      The oldest known narratives tell this story. As do all the new ones and all those in between. Are we really that uncreative? Is it really that we must reach some unattainable ideal that only mythical heros can? Is that why we keep telling stories about folks that do? (or that die trying…) There must be some truth to a story we’ve been telling forever.
      But I don’t think that’s how it works. An unattainable ideal is just that.
      Yet we all want it. Human (or not) we all know that this world isn’t right. That it’s got to be changed or fixed or we’ve got to fiind a new one or something. That’s what all the stories are about. I don’t know if I was born knowing that or if I learned it over time, but I think that I was born knowing how things are supposed to be. I think all humans are. Beyond that, I think we are perhaps born expecting things to be as they should be. Afterall, why not? Innocence of a child right? I’m alive, and now I’m here, why shouldn’t the world here be perfect for me?
      It should. It should be perfect for everyone.
      And don’t ask how that could possibly happen and don’t tell me it’s not possible. That it’s an unattainable ideal. Fuck that! It’s supposed to happen! Therefore it has to be possible. If I knew how it was possible, if I knew how to make the new world happen, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing. But then again, perhaps this is making it happen.

See that machine? It has something to do with recycling our water supply. I have absolutely no idea how it works. But I do understand the reason for it to work.”

      And maybe asking how it’s going to happen isn’t the right thing to ask. Maybe we don’t have to know how it will work in order to make it work. And maybe we don’t need to do anything more than just know that it will work, know that it will come to pass that we live together in our peaceful new world, in order to make it come to pass.

      And now I have a secret desire that I too had hundreds of lj friends, who would all read this, and link it to all of their hundred friends and faceless screennames and message board monikers and that it would start a movement. Because if I’m right, if humans really have the power to create something just by knowing it will exist, we don’t have to wait. We don’t have to vote Bush out of office. We don’t have to get rich first. We don’t have to fall in love. (well, I already did, but that’s beside the point). The point is we don’t have to wait. We could live in the peaceful new world tomorrow. All we have to do is know that we will.

and soon we will all find our lives swept away…

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6 Responses to “Warning: Extra Long!”

  1. Anonymous January 7, 2004 at 5:14 am #

    hi juno!
    you’re right… that girl does look how leah will in a few years. the subject disturbs in in relation to her because i’ve known her since she was 3.5/4.
    and speaking of livejournal (smooth transition, eh?) do you have an account #? i was thinking of re-starting one. just so i can also stare at a screen 😛
    lately at night i’ve been having fantasies of escaping, for a little while at least and going 2 visit u in CA. never will hapen, but it is entartaining to think about. you’re the farthest person away that i know.
    g2g, but talk to you soon and give my x’s and o’s to everyone
    <3, amy

    • youngjedi January 8, 2004 at 4:25 am #

      Actually…
      you know me, too, and I’m in Thailand. 🙂
      greg

      • Anonymous January 8, 2004 at 7:02 am #

        Re: Actually…
        omg greg that’s right! i’m going to start digging a hole behind my house and come visit u! THAT would be an awesome adventure. going to thailand that is, not digging the hole.
        <3, Amy

      • youngjedi January 10, 2004 at 8:02 am #

        Re: Actually…
        …digging such a hole might be much more of an adventure, once you got thru the tedium of the crust, anyway 😛

  2. youngjedi January 8, 2004 at 4:42 am #

    “And now I have a secret desire that I too had hundreds of lj friends, who would all read this, and link it to all of their hundred friends… we don’t have to wait. We don’t have to vote Bush out of office. We don’t have to get rich first.”
    You should write a book that talks about such things–that could reach houndreds of thousands of people…oh, wait, Daniel Quinn already did. Well, maybe we just need more tellings of such messages. After all, if it didn’t work last year, maybe doing more of it this year will. Oops, maybe not. Hmm, so maybe we shouldn’t waste our breath repeating ourselves. Every twenty years or so the story can be retold to update it for the new generation. But maybe the rest of us should just start doing. Live the way we think we ought. Oh, that’s been tried, too. Miracle cure, then? We can hope, but don’t hold your breath. Accept the world as it is? Can’t. Being innocent, tho, we are unable spiritually and emotionally to just lay down and die (well, actually, I guess some of us do find that’s the best escape).

    So darry-don the diddle-on day
    So we are and so we stay
    We’re so strong and we’re so smart
    We were born with a loving heart
    [step back] 🙂

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