State of the Union? Divided

2 Feb

         What does it say about the State of the “Union” that everyone I know (and about half of the people on my buddy list) found out that the president would be giving a speech, and decided it would be a drinking game… ?

         Union? State of which union? Having not voted, and actively supported a New Reality and a New World governed by New Reality instead, I am less affected by what meaningless statements the president makes. It’s his “union,” not mine.
         Here’s how to be a speech writer for the President (it’s like political Mad Libs):

I am for __________________(current issue)___ to resolve in a way that benefits everyone equally. People like ____(good thing)____. I am therefore urging ______(whoever hasn’t agreed yet)____ to vote for and pass articles which will result in things being all good for everyone. (Repeat this sentence. Use a thesaurus for variety… Also be sure to include personal anecdotes.) (It is important to not actually talk about the specifics of these issues or their resolutions. People get offended that way.)

         Here are some real life examples from his actual speech:

“I stood on the steps of this Capitol and renewed (I am for) the commitment of our nation to the guiding ideal of liberty (current issue/people like liberty) for all (in a way that benefits everyone equally). This evening I will set forth policies (I am therefore urging you all to pass them) to advance that ideal (it’s an “ideal” – thus people like it) at home and around the world (which will result in things being all good for everyone).”

See? It’s easy! Anyone can be president (or at least write his speeches)! Here’s another one, slightly more complex (OOooohh!):

Because one of the deepest values of our country (I am for) is compassion (people like compassion), we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America (current issue). Our government will continue to support (I am for) faith-based and community groups (current issue) that bring hope (people like hope) to harsh places (in a way that benefits everyone equally). Now we need to focus on giving young people, especially young men in our cities, better options than apathy, or gangs, or jail (people like not-bad options). Tonight I propose a three-year initiative (I am therefore urging you to pass) to help organizations keep young people out of gangs, and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence. (which will result in things being all good for everyone.) Taking on gang life will be one part of a broader outreach to at-risk youth, which involves parents and pastors, coaches and community leaders, in programs ranging from literacy to sports. And I am proud that the leader of this nationwide effort will be our first lady, Laura Bush. (personal anecdote.)

         See? It’s so easy! It works for any random statement from the speech. Go ahead, try it (unless you’re too drunk).


2 Responses to “State of the Union? Divided”

  1. s0starryeyed February 3, 2005 at 3:44 pm #

    that was amazing. i love you.

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