X-Men: The Last Stand

27 May

This X-Men: The Last Stand review is nothing but spoilers. If you read this, before seeing the movie, there will be virtually no surprises for you whatsoever. You’ve been warned. If you want to read a review that pretty much explains how I feel about the movie without reading spoilers, read this one which Ballatetta pointed to.
X-Men: The Last Stand has a scene in the beginning where Storm and Wolverine are teaching a “fighting giant robots” class to Rogue, Bobby/Iceman, Kitty Pryde, and Colossus. This is, apparently, an uber-important skill to have if you’re going to graduate from Xavier’s school of the gifted, even if all you can do is steal other people’s powers by touching them. This scene is not one of the cool and awesome things in the movie, as it doesn’t make much sense.

Here’s the thing about X-Men: The Last Stand. It didn’t make me care. It started out really great, actually. And it does have some awesome stuff in it. So it did make me care. At first. But as the plot(s) unfold, it seems like all plot and no character. Things are happening because the script says they happen, because they lead up to some cool action. Things are not happening because the characters are acting the way they should. Where is Rogue’s passion? She finds out there is a cure. Storm tells her it’s bullshit. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” she tells Rogue. Excuse me? Rogue stands there and stares, and the scene ends. I’m sorry, what? Where is the “I can’t even hold people’s hands!” outrage? Where is the “There’s nothing wrong with me? I can’t touch other people!!” I mean, sheesh, “I want to fuck my boyfriend and you tell me that’s bullshit?” Well, you know, that’s not how she would say it, but she damn well is thinking it. Why does she just stand there?

And speaking of just standing there, what’s with Jean/Phoenix? She’s apparently taken over by her subconscious, which is a powerful mutant of its own, and acts on instinct…. so says Xavier. This Phoenix personality, which takes Jean over, kills Scot/Cyclops. This Phoenix personality wants to fuck Logan/Wolverine, but settles for just throwing him into a wall and leaving. This Phoenix personality kills Xavier, but then calmly and humbly goes with Magneto. This Phoenix personality threatens to cure/kill Magneto… but doesn’t. Why? This Phoenix personality stands there next to Magneto, allows herself to be referred to as a secret weapon of sorts, and just stands there. Why? What kind of subconscious is that? A large battle doesn’t make her want to do anything? Killing her former mentor, floating and destroying her house, none of these things make her run, make her act out, make her do anything except humbly and quietly follow Magneto? That doesn’t fit with the explanation given by Xavier earlier in the movie.

Right before the final Alcatraz battle, Storm and Wolverine decide to go join the battle even though “there are only six of us.” Wait, there are? Where’d all the kids go? Why did only Bobby/Iceman and Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat stay and all the others leave? Where do all the kids come from when they return to the school after the final Alcatraz battle? Did I miss something?

Magneto recruits a bunch of mutants whose mutant ability seems to be imitation of goth teenagers. Also, they can all jump really high before entering a battle, and none of them get hurt when standing on the Golden Gate bridge as it falls from the sky and lands on Alcatraz. Magneto sure knows how to pick ‘em. And then he sends them all to death. “In chess, the pawns go first.” True. But you don’t usually let them all get captured before really starting to play the game, do you?

By the time it had gotten to the third act, too many things had happened that just contradict, ignore, or insult the world, characters, and story in the first two movies. Is Magneto really that prejudiced that he’d just instantly leave Mystique/Raven for dead when she’s no longer mutant? Is Xavier really stupid enough to create barriers in Jean’s mind without telling her? Would Cyclops’ death really not matter all that much to any of them? Xavier dies and they have a funeral. Cyclops dies and… nothing. Until after the rest of the plot(s) unfold, and then he gets a tombstone. Is Pyro really that one-sided that he no longer has any feelings at all but hatred for his old school friends? All he wants to do is fight them? When Storm and Wolverine go to look for Scott/Cyclops and it’s foggy, why doesn’t Storm get rid of the fog right away? Why does she wait until Wolverine says “I can’t see anything”? And what happened to Nightcrawler? He was one of the coolest parts about X2. His absence isn’t explained or even mentioned. Where did he go? And speaking of inconsistencies from X2, there is a scene in that movie where “Hank McCoy” appears on tv talking about mutants… but he looks like a normal human and not the blue furry creature. Soooo… different people with the same name, or what? What happened to Jubilee and Siren from the last movie? Were they among the kids who left for the third act?

And then, after forcing all this plot through the short running-time of the movie… the movie completely negates itself. The cure might not work (Magneto begins to get his power back with that chess piece move at the end) and Xavier might not be dead (stay until after the credits. Trust me.) So, I’m supposed to care about those who are “cured” against their will, right? Cause, if the cure doesn’t work, it doesn’t really matter. I’m supposed to care when Xavier gets killed, right? Cause, if he’s not dead, it doesn’t really matter. Ultimately, that’s how I feel about this whole movie. It doesn’t really matter. Nothing happens (although it looks really cool doing it), and the stuff that does happen only hurts the set-up from the first two movies.

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2 Responses to “X-Men: The Last Stand”

  1. tinycaredance May 28, 2006 at 11:02 pm #

    funny i had a lot of these same questions and concerns.
    there were parts of brilliance to the movie though. and you didn’t mention how absolutly cute and girl next door kitty is.

    • junorhane May 29, 2006 at 3:44 am #

      True
      Kitty is very cute, but I didn’t mention it cause I didn’t want to overshadow the radiant beauty that is Anna Paquin… although the movie does a good job of not showing her very much. Sadly.

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