Tutorial: How to get a job driving boxes from point A to point B

6 Nov

How to get a job as a (part time) driver for a package delivery company, in 14 easy steps:
(You will require an insured van or truck and a clean driving record, as well as more time than you think you could need)

1. Make an appointment with the DMV to have them print out a copy of your driving record.
2. Pay them $5 to get a copy or your own driving record, even if it’s just a sheet that’s mostly blank because your record is clean.
3. Drive to the package delivery company, even if it is an hour away.
4. Fill out a 7 page form called “job application.” Include the 5 years of past employment even if it is all entirely irrelevant to driving boxes from place to place, which you have never done.
5. Take a 75 question “test” on their computer designed to determine your “behaviorability risk.”* This test contains multiple choice questions about what drugs you use, how frequently you use them, how often you steal from your employers, how much you have stolen in the past, how easy it is to get you angry, how good you are at fighting, and who the most recent people are that you’ve beaten to a bloody pulp with only your fists and rage. (You are allowed to say that you’ve never done this, but really, be honest.)
6. Give the package delivery company your driving record, license, and proof of insurance, and wait for them to get the results of your behavior exam from their computer.
7. Find out that you passed the behavior exam and that due to that and your record they are going to hire you.
8. Fill out approximately 782 forms all asking for your name, signature, social security number, and the date. One of them also asks for your shirt and pants size, so that your uniform can be ordered.
9. Fill out a few more forms which ask for your name, signature, social security number, and the date (in order to provide you with health insurance).
10. Drive to another building (possibly up to 30 minutes away) to get a drug test (Even though there was a question on the “behaviorability test” about whether or not you would pass a drug test, and you said that yes you would, they still need you to take one. Everyone is guilty until proven innocent after all. This is America.)
11. Empty your pockets and wash your hands to prepare for the drug test.
12. Pee in the cup up to the line. Don’t flush the toilet.
13. Watch with idle curiosity/fascination as the doctor puts a fancy looking card into the cup, waits a few seconds, pulls it out, and watches it eagerly.
14. Learn that because two blue lines show up on the fancy card that you have passed the drug test. This is not a surprise. Also, you are not pregnant (unless you are).

Congratulations! As soon as you fax them a copy of your social security card you’ll be a delivery driver! Good job. You will also need to purchase a map and a dolly for your vehicle. You’ll also need to purchase your uniform, which is overpriced, although if you return the uniform you’ll get the money back (note: if you return the uniform you will no longer be a delivery driver).

*”behaviorability” is a made up word, but the test is real.

2 Responses to “Tutorial: How to get a job driving boxes from point A to point B”

  1. yami_mcmoots November 7, 2006 at 5:58 am #

    Congratulations on the blessed occasion. You’ll be a wonderful father driver.

  2. sylness November 7, 2006 at 2:45 pm #

    Remember…they’re going to give you money. Money is something you need. I’m glad you’re learning about selling your soul 😉

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